What are you willing to sacrifice?

It's every girls dream to find a guy that TREATS her right, takes CARE of her, and you know live happily ever after.... that's what all the princesses in the Disney movies do right??? The girl never sacrifices anything... she has the fiances AND the love... end of story... run the scroll. Let's step outside of the screenplays and etc... AND get real! In the real world we ALL have to sacrifice something... well at least women do. Think about it... we are suppose to cook, clean, fuck, back our men.... be the back bone in the relationship but sit back and let the man think he runs it. Right? I relationship is Never EVER equal... in a perfect world it is but guess what this isn't a perfect world so with that being said relationships are not equal.... but the question still remains. What are you willing to sacrifice?

Just recently, I have found out that I am sacrificing companionship. My husband shows me affection when he wants to show affection. It doesn't matter if I need to held because my day was totally FUCKED, and I can not get my feet rubbed if they are swollen. There are times that I take a backseat to the Xbox, or a phone conversation from a old time friend OR male friend. Today I asked him why don't you show affection... his response was "I don't feel like being bothered"...WOW ain't that a bitch... I asked him well did you treat your other girlfriends like this? I already know the answer was no... but I wanted him to prove me wrong. It's like I need for him to prove me wrong but he never does. Well when I asked him this question... he got mad and "you always bring ppl up that have no relevance to us." Then once again the disrespectful talk, comes up. I shut it down.... from anything that we have been through one thing I'm cutting out is the disrespectful talk. nope nope nope... not gonna happen. Well, after that he said yeah, I did tell them that I didn't feel like being bothered... and that was that. That was a lie but I dropped it... no sense in beating a dead horse right? Are my feelings hurt..yes yes yes. It just seems like he will never change... now what he DOES is pays the bills, foot the bill when we go out, anything with money, he will handle it. So because he does this.... I sacrifice affection. 

Now this goes back to the good ol question.... which would you rather have LOVE or MONEY. Don't be too quick to answer that question... I said what most women would... I would rather have love... because blah blah blah blah... but when those bills start marching in and you can't write the word LOVE on the invoice shit starts to get real. If you chose Money.... look at the situation I am in. Bills are taken care of but the heart isn't. 

You ever look at a couple and think everything is just wonderful? We all know that relationships have problems but you look at couples who look like they have their shit together but behind closed doors this woman OR this man could be getting their ass whooped by their partner or they could be getting cheated on or whatever... a number of things could happen, but we would never know because to us that couple looks happy. Someone is sacrificing something.... it could be long term happiness, could be affection ( like myself), hell it could be anything. Think about this question... and spare me the whole I'm a independent women bullshit and I don't need a man to do for me. Truth is we all need our partners to do something for us... if not why partner up? 

Anywho... I'm in a pickle...I could be selfish and do what most married women do when they sacrifice companionship but that's the easy way out AND it would bring more issues to the table more than what I need or want. I wish I would have thought about this question before I made the moves that I did.

I miss that broke love LOL... I was in a 3 year relationship with a woman and even though she was a fucking liar.... ( I sacrificed the truth with her) she loved me and we were BROKE! I had a really bad semester in college, the folks took away my aid and grants.. I had to pay $500 a month to stay in school... and couldn't miss a payment, had a car note, had insurance, etc. My ex decided to pay the utilities but she was only making about $8 a hour. She got paid weekly only brought home about $200... she would pay the bills and we wouldn't have $30 to our names but when I came home... I ran into love. There were always hugs and kisses, she would always find a way to take me out even if it was free or we would get chinamen, some bootleg DVD's, and some coolers and cuddle on the couch. One time things got really bad.... our gas was cut off. We had to bathe in cold water for a month... could not cook because we had a gas stove. She would warm water up in the microwave and throw it in the tub so when I got home from work I could have at least a luke warm bath waiting for me. She would ether get in with me or just let me bathe first and she would get in after me. Water would be cold and dirty but she didn't complain. I miss that broke love... that love that when you are at your lowest you can still feel like a queen when you are with your mate... but I was sacrificing MONEY and honesty. I didn't want to take baths in microwavable water... I wanted HOT water so if I choose to stay in the tub longer I could. I wanted to have a night out on the town and drink expensive wine on the riverfront but I couldn't but I had that love and at that moment in my life I was okay. BUT I HAD TO SACRIFICE SOMETHING.... at this point I am not sure if I'm willing to sacrifice companionship.... uhmmm that's something to think about....

DaMn it's aLWay'S sOmEtHiNg!

Well damn a whole month has damn near pasted and I have not blogged! Geesh... that's crazy. Well just and update things have been wonderful with the hubby but I want more. Okay I know I sound like I'm asking for a lot but I am pregnant and there are times when I need my feet or back rubbed....and Jesse won't do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm by myself... in this pregnancy and I HATE IT! Today I came into the house kissing and hugging on him and he was like uhmmm yeah I don't feel like cuddling. It fucked me up when he said that... my feelings were actually hurt and then my whole mood just went down.... damn it's always something.

A cry for help... and other things

Soooo much has been happening with me its ridiculous...  I remember I was watching Jumping the Broom and the couple was talking to the pastor and he said the couple, "I understand that you love each other, and maybe you are even meant to be with one another, But I should warn you that sometimes life... may test you. The lady said but reverend James we will past Jason was made for me we are soul-mates. The pastor then looked in her eyes and said, " oh that's so sweet but even a soul mate can really test you.. *pause* let me say this again. "Even a soul-mate may test you" This popped into my head after moving my things out of my husband and I house because he disrespected me after I lit into his butt after coming in the house at 5 am. Now, I know this seems very dramatic but lets just say this isn't the first time he has said something extremely bogus. I was fed up, so I got some of my things and went over to my mommy's house. I didn't want to go because I said vows... for better or worst and honey this was a really bad and I just wanted out! That was the fastest and easiest way to do it. I talked to my girl Jossi and she has been the biggest supporter when I'm going through a rough time in my marriage. I really really appreciate that... it's not too many people that are like hey now lets find out a way to resolve this so you two can get back on the ball. Thanks Jossi! But going back to the quote, the pastor really hit the nail on the head... even someone that is really close to you will test you. We are doing well right now and we have found out new ways of handling issues that we come across which is lovely but we are not done "fixing" this problem by a long shot. I'm just happy that I have a husband that is willing to work with me. I even thought about going to marriage counseling.... we will see how that goes.....

Moving on.... a couple of days ago I had gone over to Kendra house.... Jesse still wants to be cool with her husband so they decided to get together and drink and play video games. When I walked in the house I could tell the mood was very awkward. I mean this girl use to be my best friend along with Blair but I just dont trust her and I REALLY dislike Blair. If you are my friend you would know why I really dislike Blair and dont trust Kendra at all...Its a long story and honestly I dont feel like revisiting it for my viewers... if I have any LOL LOL. Well anywho back to the story... the guys talked while Kendra and I just sat there... I mean we talked every once in awhile but you know it just wasnt there. I honestly, I dont know if I miss her semi friendship. I have been so focused on me and my family and my true girls that I just blocked her out of my life. I told her husband that I would buy thier son a gift for the baby shower but would not be able to attend because I have to work...which is the truth. I prob could take off but she hasnt been a good enough friend to me to miss out on the money. Hey I need to take care of my family! LOL Anywho aftere leaving the house I told Jesse that I don't think our friendship can be fixed....and he said well I'm still gonna be friends with Steve ( Kendra's husband). Umm I don't know what to make of that. I mean I don't wanna be petty and say well you need to be on my side, but in a way, a tiny part of me really feels this way. I know men are different but man o man I really don't like the way things are looking. I won't press the issue... but I will be watching to see how things fall into place or fall out of place.... (twirling thumbs)

Friends....

How many of us have them...

What an interesting topic right? By now I thought I wouldn't have these issues, I mean when you are 25 hell you think you have your lifetime friends and high school problems were long gone. Maybe this was just something I thought would have passed by now. I have parted with a friend that I have been cool with for 12 years, and even though this was the best thing for me I still wanted it to be a different turnout. I listen to my grandmother and she tells me how she has been friends with her best friend since childhood years and I guess I wanted that. I wanted my baby girl to see mommy around positive people that has been around for years. I wanted to share stories with my child about what we did when we were in grade school and high school. I guess I plan my life but things never go the way you hoped for. HA! My grandmother always told me if you wanna make God laugh tell him what you have planned for your future, and I'm sure he is rolling on the floor at me. LOL

HOWEVER, when God takes from you he will provide for you. I have about four ladies that I adore and I'm happy that they are in my life. Not to be corny but having these girl in my corner means the world to me. Jossi, Patreesha, Shalaya, and Wytchen have lifted me when i needed them the most. AND I will share with my baby girl the things we did but when she becomes old enough to understand... LOL because baby we did some things! I guess I just have a hard time with goodbyes even if the person meant me no good... hummmm its interesting how we can be sometimes. Its hard to let go of someone that hurts us... but easy to cut the cord on ones that think we walk on water. Why is this?

WIC

Honestly, this morning I am feeling like a hood-rat. Why do you ask? Well I have another WIC appointment today ( @ the North Central Community Health Center) and the questions they ask me are absolutely ridiculous. Just the name in itself has me wanting to cover my face while shamefully entering the front door. This is the only time you will hear me say this but I would rather walk through the back door in this building. So these people want to know everything about my lyfe, they want a damn current paycheck, they want to know where my "baby daddy" is. They want to know my whole lyfe story AND when they found out how how intelligent I am from listening to my story and hearing me speak "proper English" their attitude changes. Well that may be great for me but what about all the other women that may have taken a different turn in the road of education and didn't use their resources? Are they still looked down upon? Hell, I can answer my own question on this one. Humm (scratching my dry scalp) this is just embarrassing...  

I'M BACKKKKKKKKKKKK...

Okay so i thing the last time I wrote in here I was a damn lesbian... and even though I still am attracted to women, I have settled down and married my college sweetheart AND I'm expecting a little baby! YES, things in my life have moved fast and if you have something nasty to say about it.... FUCK YOU! LOL yeah I said it. Don't just sit there with the dick look on your face :-o. 

No but seriously, things have changed in my life. For those of you that remember LEZGIRL86, and my damn roller coaster ride with MARV, her X Eboni ( man looking bitch LOL) for 3 years 2008 -2011 (Jan 25 to be exact) just know that things are OVER.... I guess I already said that but hey I'm saying it again.

What happend? Well in a nutshell:

Things were very rough with us ( which they had been for a while) I believe Marv started cheated on me around October 2010 and I was lonely. Wasn't getting ANY pussy, and my pussy wasn't getting any attention....LOL... so I seeked elsewhere. My God brother Tyrone had gotten married in Oct and my college sweetheart Jesse was in the wedding. He was coming back in town from Chicago... after he graduated from SEMO he found a good job out there. Well we saw each other at the wedding, sparks were there ( always had been) and we started talking. I told him that I was in a relationship with a woman but things were really bad and he became a comforter... needless to say I spent the weekend with him and NOTHING happened folks... I was on the rag but believe it or not sometimes cuddling is better than sex. That is what we did... Now I know you might be wondering how in the hell was I able to get away for the weekend when I had a live in GF well when shit was rough we left the house making it easy to do whatever...and that was what the hell I was doing. In November and December he flew my out to see him in Chicago and he wanted to be with me and only me and I agreed. YES I was still with Marv but hell we were both gone emotionally. Marv and I were REALLY beefing around NYE, so I spent it with Jesse. Jesse decided that he would move to STL to be with me so NYE was like our celebration of being together. we had spent to weekend at the 4 Seasons and had gone to this really nice event... honestly I had never been treated like this by anybody and I said to myself its time to really let Marv go. SO Feb 1st I moved out of the apt that Marv and I shared for 3 years and started a NEW LYFE with Jesse. Yeah Marv and I had words.... we hated each other and i even questioned myself.. on if I should leave her and be with Jesse. I had a time leaving and NOT  wanting to return. Hell 3 years is hard to walk away from.... but I did and truthfully leaving her was the best thing I could have done. NOT saying my lyfe with Jesse is peachy on the peach farm but I couldn't handle Marv... and I couldn't be faithful. 

SO yeah I left out A LOT but those of you who have the privilege of being close to me know everything...

Present time: I am 19 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, and I have been married since Sept 28 2011, courthouse bound but the real deal is coming soon. Oh how my lyfe has changed huh? LOL I had a convo with my girl Jossi and she said dang Whit don't get all married and have nothing to talk about! HA! I wonder if she still thinks that because baby... Jesse and I gets down.... NOT sexually but baby when we fight WE fight. Hell divorce thoughts are always brought up by me... he is a manly man type of guy and I will not just lay down and let him walk over me. I will say that when you are married, different challenges come about, breaking up is the easy way out but not breaking up and figuring things out is some of the hardest shit to do!

(Breaking news the baby is kicking!!!!)

Anyway... Jesse has a past.. of being a lady lover and baby. Sometimes I can't handle it. Here's the deal yes right now I am insecure. I feel fat, unattractive, and OMG some of these girls are so "tempting" and I have seen the way he talks to ppl on Twitter it just ...well... makes me feel even worse. Yes ppl say that pregnant women are beautiful and blah blah blah but for a while I wasn't giving it up, and my abdomen just keeps getting larger. If you have never been pregnant just wait until you are in my shoes. LOL.... I will go into this much deeper as the days past but right now I think nature is calling. This little girl does the mashed potatoe on my bladder!