Lonely days and nights....

 

 I was on facebook and a guy I use to date posted this: a great relationship is when your honest about who you are and what is happening in your life. You're able to voice your deepest hurts, confess your failures, speak your doubts, express your fears, and share your weaknesses to an individual that accepts without making you feel bad and do whatever to empower you to be better wholeheartly. It is not onesided but mutual!

My thoughts: I totally agree but here's the thing, is this the way a relationship should be in a perfect world? If so it won't happen, because this world isn't perfect OR am I no longer a believer because I have shitty relationships back to back. Ok here's the deal I really don't know what to expect and because of that I'm not willing to accept the things that should come easy to me in a relationship. Have I become blinded? Have I become so weak that I am willing to have lonely days and lonely nights while being under the same roof as my husband? 

This is the second time that I have had words with my husband in 3 days about him disrespecting me when he goes out and no I don't want tot go into detail because it breaks my heart to even talk about it. Have we come to point where there is nothing left to say.... some people work it out and some just don't know how to change. Majority of the time I feel like Jesse doesn't know how to change. Man, I am so torn.... the only thing that's keeps me smiling is feeling the kicks, the hiccups, and movements of my little princess. *Winter Raye'*

Winter Raye'

Listen to this song: Lucky to Be Me- Amel Larrieux
I am in love... This is beautiful. How can you love someone more than you love yourself? To feel Winter kick and move from side to side it makes me grin :) I'm so lucky that she chose me to play to play the rule of her mommy. She could have blessed anyone else in this world with her little presence.
*she kicking as I type :)*
Creating Winter is the greatest moment in my life... Honestly all of the other achievements in my life mean nothing to me how can they compare to me creating life? I now know what love is all about....

Listen to this Song: I know What Love Is All About- Anthony Hamilton

26/01/12

I REALLY WANT SEX!

TO Winter Raye Robinson ( mommy did not write this but I thought of you when I read it)

I’ve already forgotten
the times you threatened/to fall
clots of red from my inadequate uterus
in the middle of the night
rushed me fretting to the hospital
praying to a god I’m not quite sure I ever believed in
for your survival/I was unwilling to take chances
just in case the conservative nuts were right about something
I chanted/said some semblance of contrition
made promises I knew I could not keep
if only you would stay

I would do this or that
differently/knowing full well
I love the map of my present life

I’ve nearly forgotten the ptyalism/which is really
a fancy way to say the mouth
fills frothy with globules of spit/interrupting
conversations/in every room
I vomited/bled/spat out the belief/more hope
that I could be somebody’s mother
now I am yours

tiny life beginning
with such a choir of good wishes preceding
know always you were wanted/loved
by more than just me
my own mother left me early
first years flying
low self-esteem to begin the journey
of how could I love anyone
when my own mother never loved me/cliché
how could anyone
hold a candle to that first abandonment

all my life I have tip-toed/fought
begged for acceptance
from a complete circle
closed by the unforgiving women
sharing my genetic material
we are good at sitting in judgment of others
clacking our mouths pursed in disapproval

I was amazed at how they could never say
anything good
of my accomplishments
only my shortcomings/real and perceived
they lamented how odd I am/different from my mother
but odd nonetheless/the apple never fall far
watch that tree/it will come to no fruit

but look at you now

daughter
it is my intention to be
different/with you
you were lucky enough to be born
girl/I am looking forward
to watching you become/woman

I can hardly wait
to hear your voice/even in opposition to my own
and we should admit early
that politics are hard
on mothers and daughters
I expect us to rumble/wrestle
create generational bruises that will have to be survived
partake in arguments that will have to be
apologized for

I have done my best to name you
in preparation for a road I imagine
will look oddly similar/different from mine

vulnerable/resilient/rock of beauty/reason for love

I hope your name
will help you carry justice in your palms
keep your intentions clean/with the cloths
of warrior women who came ahead of you
ahead of me/mine include
Madonnas/whores/mad women in attics
old maids/witches/ hags
virgins who were never really virgins
except when they needed to be
smart women/make your own list of saints

fondle it often
this rosary of Amazonian nomenclatures
recite them/chant them as prayer
for your own daughter
for your mother/who often thinks she knows
more than she does
forgive me/daughter/for the sins I know
will stain your childhood with confusion
later
send you to some strangers expensive couch
to thrash out how your mother
never loved you/loved you too much

therapists will always find our hidden dysfunction

but if I do anything right
you will be fierce/not necessarily loud like me
but you will have cause to challenge me
call me archaic/pick apart my philosophies

I hope we will be able to breathe through it
not unlike the way I breathed
through sixteen hours of labor/contracting
no drugs to fool the body
twisting/transitioning/shaking off
the ills of my own childhood
intermittent pains
preparing my womb/spreading cervix dilating
six centimeters/one hundred percent effacing

I was prepared to go all the way
and then nothing

needle to spine/tap-tap for five hours later
no change/except your heart slowing
beginning the rush of doctors
inserting tubes/drugs/hands to encourage you
to beat faster

oxygen mask over mouth
I mumbled the list of saints I kept ready
Audre
Adrienne
June
Jean
Patricia
Bernice
your heart pulsed wild then
rapid dance making the decision
to slice me smiling hip to hip
blood pouring numb in the cold operating room

and then you were here
wide-eyed and alert/you surveyed the damage
and did not blink
I remember thinking
this child will always send me into panic

such is the terror of motherhood
you cannot save your child
from everything
but you cannot help trying
flying right into the eye of some hurricane
because you heard she might have gone there
for a party

wild ride ahead/child I’m ready
welcome to the village
glad you here/now/taking up space
here’s to you/finding among us
even more room to grow

2:55 am

Where are my fucking friends gotdamnit! okay yes I know its damn near 3 am and ALL of my friends have lives...HUMM lives I have notice3d that this is something that I don't have. I have 3 friends Jossi, Shalaya, and Patreesha and even though their lives may not be where THEY want them to be at least they have a fucking life. Why am I in the fucked up mood you may ask? Its because of Jesse as usual.... It pisses me off that he is the only friend that I have here in St. Louis and he doesn't even act like he is my friend.

Lets visit this further... I have been under the weather lately, and have been getting very uncomfortable with the pregnancy, and the doctors thought I had diabetes. I guess I expected Jesse to take care of me more. Meaning come to the 2nd doctor's visit I had to once again take a glucose test that lasted 4 fucking hours.  However, the thing that grabs his attention is the xbox or the PS3 or this new sit com he watches called White Collar. Today he was off of work and all morning he wanted to watch this new sit com and I agreed because we said that this was suppose to be our day....well we watched this damn show until about 2 in the afternoon. We had gone to Denny's because I had this strong desire for pancakes but soon after that he brought me home while he went to the fucking Barbra shop. Now I knew we weren't gonna do anything because EVERY Thursday he has a flag football game. As usual his friends came over.... I looked myself in the bedroom to give him space. Only time I came out was to use the restroom or get something to drink. Well he shoots out the house doesn't look back to give me a kiss... I have to make him turn back around to say goodbye ( which pissed me off but I didn't say anything to him about it).

I texted him around 12 asking him to bring me a Sprite home.... no response. I text him again at 1:30 telling him that Winter has the hiccups... which she did and then he calls me. We talk for a moment, I ask him to get me a Sprite... he didn't wanna get it. Said he had to be at work in the morning... i told him that i really needed it. He said OK I will get it. I comes in the door smelling like smoke.... and he tells me he was lost in St. Charles for about 2 hours looking for a bar for him and his friends after the game... this lets me know that he was in the fucking bar when I texted him. I asked him was this the reason he came home later than usual smelling like smoke? HE said yes.. I instantly got pissed because you cant stop by a store to get me a fucking Sprite because you have to go to work BUT you can look for a fucking club for 2 hours... find the club... kick it with your boys.... come home around 2:30 am and everything is cool. Then he TELLS me not asks me that him and Gerald ( his best friend will be going to Dallas for Memorial Day this year) UM muthafucka our first child will be arriving at the end of APRIL!!!! When I said something to him about not getting me the Sprite but being able to hit the club, not hanging with me BUT hitting the club, AND planning a fucking roadtrip when Winter is JUST arriving..... he said all i do is complain. He turned his back on me and went to sleep. I have tried to call all of my friends to calm me down but no one will answer and I feel like ending it all. I know that sounds overly dramatic but I'm tired of being number 2 to everything. I wish I had the convenience of calling my friends up and spending the whole night out with them and coming home to nothing but sleep. Feeling as if I have no one to answer to even though I have a husband that is waiting at home for me.

I'm tired of waiting at home for him... only for him to come home and not be excited to see me or to talk to me. But when his friends call he is just one happy fucking creature. Do you have any idea how that feels??? Man o man.... what I wouldn't give for that broke love. You know he told me that when he is off he just likes to be at home.... I told him that he sure could have fucking fooled me! Because when his friends come around he is ready to get his fucking eagle on down. Why doesn't he wanna hang with me? Am I not pretty to him anymore? Have I lost my sexiness? Or does white girls in St. Charles sound more appetizing to him than a 7 month pregnant wife waiting at home for him to acknowledge her presence.

This is why so many wives cheat.... do you know I have not been intimate with my husband in weeks? Its not because of me... I have tried to seduce him... but he is always tired. I won't lie I;m started to feel like I once did... unpretty and fat. Only this time I don't have a side piece to tell me otherwise.

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING FRIENDS?????

Read this... Think before you break up... I didn't write this!

Think Before You Break Up (Guest Blog by @8plus9)

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By mycalknight / October 13, 2011 / Uncategorized / 33 Comments

 

 

 

 

 

 

47 Votes

I did not write this blog. A guy with the twitter name @8plus9 who runs a blog titled http://www.blackgirlareeasy.com wrote this blog. I thought it was incredibly well written and decided to post it on my blog! Check  it out! and check out his blog as well… he’s got some insightful stuff…. – MyCal Knight

The best and worst advice is “you should break up”. If you’re Tina Turner in the 70’s that’s great advice, but if you’re a woman pissed off that her man doesn’t clean up after himself that’s bad advice. It occurred to me that men and women both break up for stupid reasons, we’re a generation of runners who would rather say “fuck this shit” then work through a medium scale problem. We have two people who are perfect for each other behind closed doors, but their friends on the outside looking in only hear the negative. Remember the story of Chicken Little? His bitch ass was shook that the sky was falling. In relationships we have Chicken Little women who call their girlfriends to complain about what their man is not doing right. Your life is not the fucking Mary J. Blige “Not Gon To Cry” video. Every acorn that drops on your head is not cause for drama Chicken Little. He posted on another girl’s wall, he doesn’t listen, he doesn’t call before he goes to bed, blah blah blah. The friend hears this doomsday scenario that “I’m about to leave his ass” every two weeks, so when you ask her advice on what to do, of course she is going to tell you to leave!

Friendships become strained when someone tells you to dump your boo and you take that advice to mean that they’re hating on what you have. In your friend’s mind you’re in a fucked up relationship full of constant drama so why stay. But you don’t want to leave because it’s not as bad as you make it out to be… umm how does anyone know that if they can only base their advice off the negative stories you tell? If you want someone to understand where you’re coming from and be sympathetic as to why you don’t want to break up, try telling them about the good things your baby does for you not just the fucked up things he does to you. I bet your relationship is 80% love and 20% things that irk the hell out of you. When you only talk about that 20% how can anyone give you good advice? You’re making yourself look like a woman who loves abuse when you continuously project a negative image of your boyfriend.

Men operate a little differently; instead of screaming the sky is falling they pretend that they don’t care it’s falling. I’ve heard my niggas say, “Fuck that bitch, I’m doing me” more times than I can remember. Then when I say “Oh you’re back with so and so” I get a crazy look because he never officially broke up with her. Men program themselves to put on this apathetic front around their boys. One minute that’s your baby and the next she’s a freak. You’re making yourself look like a sucker by bad mouthing a girl you’re in love with then running back to her. My solution is that men and women both need to stop running their mouths when their relationships hit a snag. Everyone goes through rough patches, and unless it’s “I fucked someone else” level of seriousness don’t go running to your friends for bias advice and don’t be so quick to walk away.Only you know what your relationship truly is and only you can make the call to stay or leave. There is no such thing as an argument free relationship, where there’s smoke there’s fire and where there’s love there will be pain. If you’re the type of person who can’t be bothered with being called out on their shit or hate putting up with other people’s flaws then you need to buy a fucking cat and lock yourself away from society because you will never find true love. There will come a point where you will be tested, but before you decide to break up think these things over…

The Good Times Vs. The Bad Times: Your girlfriend has held you down for the past four months. She was there when no one else cared. She helped pay your car note when your money was short. She even let you put it in her ass on your birthday. She’s a good woman. Let’s say she had an argument with her mother that put her in a foul mood and for the past week she’s been taking it out on you. She’s hurting but doesn’t want to talk about it, you two begin to argue and she brings up old shit to hurt your feelings. “Ya broke ass… You never make me cum… I could do better” She’s saying mean shit that’s going to make you say even meaner shit. The beef is on. Four months strong, you two were great, but because of moods, attitudes, and lack of communication your relationship looks like it’s about to fall apart. She’s being a bitch and you’re being a jerk. Just break up, right? Grow the fuck up. It doesn’t matter if she was in the wrong first or if you were in the wrong last, both of you need to stop yelling and get over yourselves. Maybe I’ve watched Star Wars too many times but anger brings the evil out of everyone, we do and say shit that we didn’t mean to when we’re hurting… Anakin killed Younglings for Christ sakes, decapitated all those little fuckers, but still he was a good dude at heart. You two are good people, you have an outstanding relationship. If you can calm down, talk it out, and get to the root of the problem I’m sure both of you will realize it’s not that serious. Look at the good times then look at the bad times and see which you had more of. If you’re in love, are you really going to let a few harsh words and empty threats break you up?

I Trust You To Be You: You need trust in order to have a successful relationship. But no one trusts anyone completely we’re a suspicious species to begin with, animal instincts dictate that we smell something before we taste it no matter who made it. Ask your boyfriend if he’s cheating on you and he’s going to say, “no, baby I would never do that”. Do you believe him? For the most part you do, but every time the nigga gets a text after 10pm your mind thinks DANGER OTHER BITCH. You can’t stop paranoia but you can control it. I get so many women asking me if there man is cheating on them because of XYZ. I don’t know, you don’t know, only he knows. He can be going over his homegirl house after work to chit chat or he could be going over there to beat the coochie up. There is no way to tell without seeing his dick go into her vagina, any circumstantial evidence will not hold up in an argument and you will come off looking like a jealous paranoid crazy woman. Fellas, how can you tell if your girlfriend is going to work in the morning or if she’s going over Antonio’s house to get dicked down? You can’t. You found her schedule and she was off on Tuesday, yet you called her and she said she worked on Tuesday. Is she bullshitting you or was it a case of her schedule being wrong? Everybody is capable of cheating but what Hoe level is your boo at? My wife can tell when I’m lying, that means I can’t lie about shit even if I wanted to. Every time I come home late or don’t answer my phone she makes a comment that I was with another girl and to that I say “She’s not my other girl anymore she’s my mistress, show some respect”. It’s a joke, but in her mind she doesn’t put shit past me. It doesn’t affect our relationship, there’s never been an argument about other women, and she doesn’t lose sleep at night wondering what the fuck I’m doing because she’s smart enough to know that you can’t trust anyone to be honest, you can only trust them to be themselves.

The Past Is The Past: Relationships go through periods, and a lot of people hit a point where they broke up previously or they had to forgive their bay for doing something trifling because they were too in love to end it. People, let’s not be Indian (feather not dot) givers when it comes to forgiveness. You broke up with your man because he fucked your ex-homegirl and you took him back. Once you take him back that old shit can’t be used as ammo. If you wife a former video hoefessional who fucked Chris Breezy you can’t get mad every time “Look At Me Now” comes on the radio you accepted the past when you agreed to be with that person. Don’t forget the past, but don’t throw it in that person’s face whenever you feel threatened. I got an email from a woman who fucked her boyfriend’s cousin and he forgave her because he couldn’t live without her. Apparently the shit ate away at him after a few months and he took it out on her until they had to end it for good. If you’re going to give a person a second chance give them a second chance, don’t agree to it unless you can check the baggage at the door. If you know in your heart that what your boyfriend or girlfriend did makes you sick to your stomach, then breaking up is good advice. You’re not a bad person if you don’t have it in your heart to forgive. It’s better to cry your eyes out for months then to continue on with a person you still resent.

Change Gon Come: I’m not going to stop leaving my socks on the floor and I’m not going to start washing dishes—niggas. She’s not going to stop texting during dinner and she’s going to still go to the club even though she has a man at home—bitches. Why are we so stubborn? When you love someone you adapt. It’s not going to happen overnight but you have to be committed to change. If your boss says start coming in to work at 9am not 9:15am or you’re fired, your ass will be there at 8:55am. When your girlfriend says start taking me out more or else, you shrug that bitch off with an okay and don’t do it because “or else” is an empty threat. I know you’re not going to leave me because I spend time out with the fellas every weekend and I’m not going to leave you because you’re a twitter whore. But after awhile those things that you don’t like snowball into bigger issues. Women bitch bitch bitch and Men avoid avoid avoid. The next thing you know you’re not talking because it’s going to be an argument. My boy had a nuclear fallout with his girl because he didn’t clean up their daughter’s toys. Was it the toys or was it what the toys represented? His inability to change into a person who doesn’t have to be told to clean up and take the trash out. There may not be a “Do this or it’s over” scenario when it comes to little things but if you don’t respect the person you’re with enough to change your foul ways then you’re headed for disaster. Someone shouldn’t have to tell you a hundred times what they don’t like before you start to get the picture. A person worth being with = a person worth changing for.

The next time you get into an argument with your boo ask yourself if you’re a Runner or a Fighter? If that person is worth it then don’t break up because of one moody argument, something that happened before you were together, paranoia over cheating, or because you don’t want to compromise. Address your issues like a grown up. You could have stayed single, you wanted to get in the relationship game so man the fuck up and stay in the pocket, take your hits and try your hardest to come out with a win. If your mentality is that it’s easier to replace the fucker rather than deal with the stress then clearly it wasn’t love to begin with, keep looking

What are you willing to sacrifice?

It's every girls dream to find a guy that TREATS her right, takes CARE of her, and you know live happily ever after.... that's what all the princesses in the Disney movies do right??? The girl never sacrifices anything... she has the fiances AND the love... end of story... run the scroll. Let's step outside of the screenplays and etc... AND get real! In the real world we ALL have to sacrifice something... well at least women do. Think about it... we are suppose to cook, clean, fuck, back our men.... be the back bone in the relationship but sit back and let the man think he runs it. Right? I relationship is Never EVER equal... in a perfect world it is but guess what this isn't a perfect world so with that being said relationships are not equal.... but the question still remains. What are you willing to sacrifice?

Just recently, I have found out that I am sacrificing companionship. My husband shows me affection when he wants to show affection. It doesn't matter if I need to held because my day was totally FUCKED, and I can not get my feet rubbed if they are swollen. There are times that I take a backseat to the Xbox, or a phone conversation from a old time friend OR male friend. Today I asked him why don't you show affection... his response was "I don't feel like being bothered"...WOW ain't that a bitch... I asked him well did you treat your other girlfriends like this? I already know the answer was no... but I wanted him to prove me wrong. It's like I need for him to prove me wrong but he never does. Well when I asked him this question... he got mad and "you always bring ppl up that have no relevance to us." Then once again the disrespectful talk, comes up. I shut it down.... from anything that we have been through one thing I'm cutting out is the disrespectful talk. nope nope nope... not gonna happen. Well, after that he said yeah, I did tell them that I didn't feel like being bothered... and that was that. That was a lie but I dropped it... no sense in beating a dead horse right? Are my feelings hurt..yes yes yes. It just seems like he will never change... now what he DOES is pays the bills, foot the bill when we go out, anything with money, he will handle it. So because he does this.... I sacrifice affection. 

Now this goes back to the good ol question.... which would you rather have LOVE or MONEY. Don't be too quick to answer that question... I said what most women would... I would rather have love... because blah blah blah blah... but when those bills start marching in and you can't write the word LOVE on the invoice shit starts to get real. If you chose Money.... look at the situation I am in. Bills are taken care of but the heart isn't. 

You ever look at a couple and think everything is just wonderful? We all know that relationships have problems but you look at couples who look like they have their shit together but behind closed doors this woman OR this man could be getting their ass whooped by their partner or they could be getting cheated on or whatever... a number of things could happen, but we would never know because to us that couple looks happy. Someone is sacrificing something.... it could be long term happiness, could be affection ( like myself), hell it could be anything. Think about this question... and spare me the whole I'm a independent women bullshit and I don't need a man to do for me. Truth is we all need our partners to do something for us... if not why partner up? 

Anywho... I'm in a pickle...I could be selfish and do what most married women do when they sacrifice companionship but that's the easy way out AND it would bring more issues to the table more than what I need or want. I wish I would have thought about this question before I made the moves that I did.

I miss that broke love LOL... I was in a 3 year relationship with a woman and even though she was a fucking liar.... ( I sacrificed the truth with her) she loved me and we were BROKE! I had a really bad semester in college, the folks took away my aid and grants.. I had to pay $500 a month to stay in school... and couldn't miss a payment, had a car note, had insurance, etc. My ex decided to pay the utilities but she was only making about $8 a hour. She got paid weekly only brought home about $200... she would pay the bills and we wouldn't have $30 to our names but when I came home... I ran into love. There were always hugs and kisses, she would always find a way to take me out even if it was free or we would get chinamen, some bootleg DVD's, and some coolers and cuddle on the couch. One time things got really bad.... our gas was cut off. We had to bathe in cold water for a month... could not cook because we had a gas stove. She would warm water up in the microwave and throw it in the tub so when I got home from work I could have at least a luke warm bath waiting for me. She would ether get in with me or just let me bathe first and she would get in after me. Water would be cold and dirty but she didn't complain. I miss that broke love... that love that when you are at your lowest you can still feel like a queen when you are with your mate... but I was sacrificing MONEY and honesty. I didn't want to take baths in microwavable water... I wanted HOT water so if I choose to stay in the tub longer I could. I wanted to have a night out on the town and drink expensive wine on the riverfront but I couldn't but I had that love and at that moment in my life I was okay. BUT I HAD TO SACRIFICE SOMETHING.... at this point I am not sure if I'm willing to sacrifice companionship.... uhmmm that's something to think about....