What are you willing to sacrifice?

It's every girls dream to find a guy that TREATS her right, takes CARE of her, and you know live happily ever after.... that's what all the princesses in the Disney movies do right??? The girl never sacrifices anything... she has the fiances AND the love... end of story... run the scroll. Let's step outside of the screenplays and etc... AND get real! In the real world we ALL have to sacrifice something... well at least women do. Think about it... we are suppose to cook, clean, fuck, back our men.... be the back bone in the relationship but sit back and let the man think he runs it. Right? I relationship is Never EVER equal... in a perfect world it is but guess what this isn't a perfect world so with that being said relationships are not equal.... but the question still remains. What are you willing to sacrifice?

Just recently, I have found out that I am sacrificing companionship. My husband shows me affection when he wants to show affection. It doesn't matter if I need to held because my day was totally FUCKED, and I can not get my feet rubbed if they are swollen. There are times that I take a backseat to the Xbox, or a phone conversation from a old time friend OR male friend. Today I asked him why don't you show affection... his response was "I don't feel like being bothered"...WOW ain't that a bitch... I asked him well did you treat your other girlfriends like this? I already know the answer was no... but I wanted him to prove me wrong. It's like I need for him to prove me wrong but he never does. Well when I asked him this question... he got mad and "you always bring ppl up that have no relevance to us." Then once again the disrespectful talk, comes up. I shut it down.... from anything that we have been through one thing I'm cutting out is the disrespectful talk. nope nope nope... not gonna happen. Well, after that he said yeah, I did tell them that I didn't feel like being bothered... and that was that. That was a lie but I dropped it... no sense in beating a dead horse right? Are my feelings hurt..yes yes yes. It just seems like he will never change... now what he DOES is pays the bills, foot the bill when we go out, anything with money, he will handle it. So because he does this.... I sacrifice affection. 

Now this goes back to the good ol question.... which would you rather have LOVE or MONEY. Don't be too quick to answer that question... I said what most women would... I would rather have love... because blah blah blah blah... but when those bills start marching in and you can't write the word LOVE on the invoice shit starts to get real. If you chose Money.... look at the situation I am in. Bills are taken care of but the heart isn't. 

You ever look at a couple and think everything is just wonderful? We all know that relationships have problems but you look at couples who look like they have their shit together but behind closed doors this woman OR this man could be getting their ass whooped by their partner or they could be getting cheated on or whatever... a number of things could happen, but we would never know because to us that couple looks happy. Someone is sacrificing something.... it could be long term happiness, could be affection ( like myself), hell it could be anything. Think about this question... and spare me the whole I'm a independent women bullshit and I don't need a man to do for me. Truth is we all need our partners to do something for us... if not why partner up? 

Anywho... I'm in a pickle...I could be selfish and do what most married women do when they sacrifice companionship but that's the easy way out AND it would bring more issues to the table more than what I need or want. I wish I would have thought about this question before I made the moves that I did.

I miss that broke love LOL... I was in a 3 year relationship with a woman and even though she was a fucking liar.... ( I sacrificed the truth with her) she loved me and we were BROKE! I had a really bad semester in college, the folks took away my aid and grants.. I had to pay $500 a month to stay in school... and couldn't miss a payment, had a car note, had insurance, etc. My ex decided to pay the utilities but she was only making about $8 a hour. She got paid weekly only brought home about $200... she would pay the bills and we wouldn't have $30 to our names but when I came home... I ran into love. There were always hugs and kisses, she would always find a way to take me out even if it was free or we would get chinamen, some bootleg DVD's, and some coolers and cuddle on the couch. One time things got really bad.... our gas was cut off. We had to bathe in cold water for a month... could not cook because we had a gas stove. She would warm water up in the microwave and throw it in the tub so when I got home from work I could have at least a luke warm bath waiting for me. She would ether get in with me or just let me bathe first and she would get in after me. Water would be cold and dirty but she didn't complain. I miss that broke love... that love that when you are at your lowest you can still feel like a queen when you are with your mate... but I was sacrificing MONEY and honesty. I didn't want to take baths in microwavable water... I wanted HOT water so if I choose to stay in the tub longer I could. I wanted to have a night out on the town and drink expensive wine on the riverfront but I couldn't but I had that love and at that moment in my life I was okay. BUT I HAD TO SACRIFICE SOMETHING.... at this point I am not sure if I'm willing to sacrifice companionship.... uhmmm that's something to think about....

DaMn it's aLWay'S sOmEtHiNg!

Well damn a whole month has damn near pasted and I have not blogged! Geesh... that's crazy. Well just and update things have been wonderful with the hubby but I want more. Okay I know I sound like I'm asking for a lot but I am pregnant and there are times when I need my feet or back rubbed....and Jesse won't do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm by myself... in this pregnancy and I HATE IT! Today I came into the house kissing and hugging on him and he was like uhmmm yeah I don't feel like cuddling. It fucked me up when he said that... my feelings were actually hurt and then my whole mood just went down.... damn it's always something.

A cry for help... and other things

Soooo much has been happening with me its ridiculous...  I remember I was watching Jumping the Broom and the couple was talking to the pastor and he said the couple, "I understand that you love each other, and maybe you are even meant to be with one another, But I should warn you that sometimes life... may test you. The lady said but reverend James we will past Jason was made for me we are soul-mates. The pastor then looked in her eyes and said, " oh that's so sweet but even a soul mate can really test you.. *pause* let me say this again. "Even a soul-mate may test you" This popped into my head after moving my things out of my husband and I house because he disrespected me after I lit into his butt after coming in the house at 5 am. Now, I know this seems very dramatic but lets just say this isn't the first time he has said something extremely bogus. I was fed up, so I got some of my things and went over to my mommy's house. I didn't want to go because I said vows... for better or worst and honey this was a really bad and I just wanted out! That was the fastest and easiest way to do it. I talked to my girl Jossi and she has been the biggest supporter when I'm going through a rough time in my marriage. I really really appreciate that... it's not too many people that are like hey now lets find out a way to resolve this so you two can get back on the ball. Thanks Jossi! But going back to the quote, the pastor really hit the nail on the head... even someone that is really close to you will test you. We are doing well right now and we have found out new ways of handling issues that we come across which is lovely but we are not done "fixing" this problem by a long shot. I'm just happy that I have a husband that is willing to work with me. I even thought about going to marriage counseling.... we will see how that goes.....

Moving on.... a couple of days ago I had gone over to Kendra house.... Jesse still wants to be cool with her husband so they decided to get together and drink and play video games. When I walked in the house I could tell the mood was very awkward. I mean this girl use to be my best friend along with Blair but I just dont trust her and I REALLY dislike Blair. If you are my friend you would know why I really dislike Blair and dont trust Kendra at all...Its a long story and honestly I dont feel like revisiting it for my viewers... if I have any LOL LOL. Well anywho back to the story... the guys talked while Kendra and I just sat there... I mean we talked every once in awhile but you know it just wasnt there. I honestly, I dont know if I miss her semi friendship. I have been so focused on me and my family and my true girls that I just blocked her out of my life. I told her husband that I would buy thier son a gift for the baby shower but would not be able to attend because I have to work...which is the truth. I prob could take off but she hasnt been a good enough friend to me to miss out on the money. Hey I need to take care of my family! LOL Anywho aftere leaving the house I told Jesse that I don't think our friendship can be fixed....and he said well I'm still gonna be friends with Steve ( Kendra's husband). Umm I don't know what to make of that. I mean I don't wanna be petty and say well you need to be on my side, but in a way, a tiny part of me really feels this way. I know men are different but man o man I really don't like the way things are looking. I won't press the issue... but I will be watching to see how things fall into place or fall out of place.... (twirling thumbs)